When we were struggling with infertility here is a conversation I had with a woman at work:

woman: how long have you been married?

me: oh, a little over 4 years.

woman: no kids yet?

me: nope. not yet.

woman: come on girl! what are you waiting for? you’re not getting any younger! It’s definitely time for you to have kids.

me: haha. yeah. that’s true. (inwardly growling and wanting to storm away from her)

Here is a conversation my husband had to suffer through with a man at a church function:

man: (to Jer’s mom with Jer standing right next to her) yeah, just got another grandbaby. That’s the best feeling in the world.

mother in law: that’s wonderful!

man: (to Jer) so, when are you going to give your mom grandbabies?

Jer: haha, oh one day.

man: come on man, look how selfish you’re being! Your mom wants some grandbabies! You need to get on that. Think about your mother and how happy she will be!

Then of course we had multiple people, when they found out we were adopting, ask us why we didn’t just have our own kids. People told us that adopting was great, but having your own baby was such a blessing and why would we want to miss out on something like that? Not everyone was rude, but sometimes people just don’t know how to be tactful. Unfortunately, this didn’t end after we found out we were pregnant.

Conversation between me and a man at my work:

man: so, was this a planned pregnancy?

me: well, we didn’t think we could plan it. We were told that we would not be able to have babies on our own.

man: what! You need to go back to that doctor and tell him #@$%%$# and #%$^%&!

me: why would I do that?

man: because he lied to you! Obviously you can have babies on your own.

me: well, we are focusing on the fact that this is our miracle baby and we are just very happy.

man: ok, you can think that I guess. Let’s just hope you carry it full term.

Say what??? Really? I don’t know what causes this phenomenon but I pray that I will never be one of those people! I suppose I can be thankful for the added sensitivity that these experiences give me. When I come across other people with no children I no longer ask them when they plan on having babies. You never know what is going on in their private lives. I also pray that God makes me sensitive to other situations as well. Most importantly, I pray that God gives me the self control, as my hormones are changing daily, to keep my fists in my pockets and my anger in check!

 In October I had a really hard day. I was late and I had convinced myself that this time was different. This time I was pregnant. I had a friend at work who was also trying to conceive and she was late too. We were both excited and planned to take the test on the same morning. I woke up on Saturday, October 27^th and took the pregnancy test. I waited the 3 minutes as directed and then an extra 2, just in case the double line was slow in showing up. It wasn’t. I wasn’t pregnant. The hardest part of it was that while I got a negative, my friend got a positive. I was so happy for her but at the same time I was devastated for myself. I just didn’t understand why this wasn’t in God’s plan for me. Though it was hard, it was only that day that I really struggled with it. It thankfully does not consume my life like it used to. Life continues on.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. Jer and I had the whole week off and we were able to decorate the house after cleaning it really well and then just veg out and do whatever. I have to admit, we weren’t too careful with what we were eating (come on! It’s a holiday week!), so I wasn’t surprised when I started feeling a little sick to my stomach. On top of not eating well, I also was not drinking any water and was basically living off of diet soda. Come Sunday, I started thinking that maybe the queasiness I was feeling had to do with all the soda and lack of real water in my system.

The Monday after Thanksgiving started off rough getting back to work. I got to my desk and went right to the water fountain to fill up my nalgene bottle. Throughout the day I kept sipping the water, hoping I would feel better. I decided that maybe the sick feeling was a combination of the poor eating from the week before on top of the dehydration so the only thing I let myself eat for a snack were plain pretzels and ginger ale. I woke up the next day hoping that I would feel back to normal, but no luck. I went through the day tired and feeling like I had downed a bucket full of grease. In the back of my mind I started to wonder… could these be symptoms? Could I be pregnant? I decided that on Wednesday morning I would take a pregnancy test. I knew it would be negative, but I would rather know for sure than start to hope.

I woke up around 6:50 on Wednesday morning. I almost rolled over and fell back asleep but I reminded myself that, though I dreaded it, I needed to take the test. I went downstairs and turned on the shower. Then I opened up the last pregnancy test I had and tried my best to pee on it according to the directions. As soon as I was done I was thinking to myself that I hadn’t done it long enough so when the answer comes up negative I will second guess it. I glanced down at the test and saw the one strong control line and then… a second line! The line was faint but getting stronger. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…” I started whispering as my eyes filled with tears. “I can’t believe it, oh my God”, over and over again until I was sobbing. My first thought was ‘I need to tell Jeremy, but I can’t stop crying!’. My goal had been, if we were to ever get a positive test, to calmly walk upstairs and whisper to him to wake up while holding the test in front of his face. Real subtle, I know, but he had already threatened me that if I didn’t tell him right away there would be consequences, lol.

So there I was, in the bathroom sobbing, “oh my God, I can’t believe it”. I fumbled with the toilet paper to make sure the test is dry (don’t want it splattering all over my baby daddy!) and stumbled out of the bathroom to go upstairs. No surprise, but my sounds of distress had already woken Jer and he was running down the stairs to see what was wrong. We almost collided at the bottom of the stairs and as he asked me what was wrong I could only shove the test in his face and sob out, “we’re pregnant, we’re gonna have a baby!”. It was the best feeling in the world. Jeremy grabbed me in the tightest hug and laughed while I sobbed into his shirt. Afterwards I could not stop shaking. I wanted to just stand there all day and hold that test! Unfortunately, I now had to be a responsible mommy-to-be and go to work. I wanted to tell everyone! I was so happy and Jeremy was so happy, it’s hard to try to mask that and pretend like everything’s normal. Not to mention the fact that I was still feeling tired and less than energetic. We survived though and of course began planning right away the ways we wanted to break the news to our families.

When I had thought I was pregnant in October I had been so excited that we would be able to tell our families at either Thanksgiving or Christmas. When that didn’t happen I was so disappointed. I figured, no big deal, we can still get pregnant in November and can break the news at Christmas or get pregnant in December. Jeremy’s birthday and his dad’s birthday is in January and that would be a cool time to break the news too. But then I didn’t get a period after the October test, so I automatically assumed my body was again being its unreliable self and I would go a few months without a cycle.

When I got the positive test, I called my Doctor the same day. They wanted to schedule me right away because according to my period I was already at least 2 months along. I was able to go to my first visit 2 days after I took the test. They did an ultrasound and I got to see our little peanut for the first time! I almost cried. Because my cycle is so unreliable, they needed to schedule me for another ultrasound with their expert so he could date me. What they could tell me is that I appeared to already be 6-7 weeks along. I am hoping that when we see the expert he will tell us that we are even further (in line with my last period) but even with the earlier dating we will still be able to break the news to our families at Christmas, just like I always wanted! This has been the best week of my life. My dreams are coming true and I am so happy to start on this journey.

Even though I have been too busy to be on here, that doesn’t mean I have been too busy to get some fun projects done! 

For my niece’s 3rd birthday my sister asked me to make up some Horton Hears a Who themed cupcakes. They were soooo fun!

First, I made a batch of chocolate cupcakes and piped on some buttercream frosting in a little swirl (to resemble an elephant trunk). 

Next, I needed to make the little flower thingies (obviously I am not a Horton expert). I took a bunch of dum-dums and covered them with hot pick buttercream. 

To apply the frosting and give it a fluffy/spiky look I bought a new toothbrush and dabbed the frosting all over the lollipop. Then I took little white flower sprinkles and carefully placed one on each flower. 

Ta-da! Horton hears a Who cupcakes!

The kids approved!

Delegate the Decorating – the quickest way to delegate the majority of the decorating is to have guests volunteer to be hostesses of their own tables. Our hostesses pick a theme and decorate their table to match.
The other guests can then pick which themed table they would like to sit at during the party. This not only makes for very fun and interesting tablescapes, but also allows people to match their outfits with their table.  These girls came up with a neon theme and dressed to match. Themes we have had are: M&M, Cinderella, Tinkerbell, Butterflies, Flower Garden, Princess, Alice in Wonderland, and more.
Feed your Friends – I would hope this is a given, but you need food at your

Tea Party. Not just chips and dips either.The more cookies, tarts, mini sandwiches and delicate finger foods the better. Ladies love to eat (though they may not want to admit it) and I know for myself, the better the food selection, the more special the party feels. Also, make sure you have a bunch of tea kettles available and ready with hot water for when the party starts! I make sure, in addition to teas, to have hot chocolate and apple juice available as well. I for one HATE tea, so this is a must.

Give them Games – No matter how old you are, you are never too old for games. Every year I try to give them different ones so that they don’t become bored with the same old things. Here are a few we played this year:

• Minute to Win It- sugar cube style. 

For this game you need craft sticks (1 per player) and sugar cubes. In this game
players challenge each other to see who can stack the most cubes on their Popsicle stick. The catch? The Popsicle stick is held between their teeth. You can make this game more difficult or simple depending on the ages of the players. In our version it was basically the last one with cubes on their stick wins. You could give each player an equal number of cubes and time them to see who can keep them balanced until the timer goes off. Younger children may be frustrated by this version.

•  Mystery Makeup.

For this game you will need a bunch of makeup, paper plates, q-tips or other applicators, blindfolds and face wipes. I suggest buying the makeup from the dollar store and using paper plates as the “palettes” so that people aren’t sharing make-up and germs. I personally used a bunch of my Mary Kay samples left over from when I was a consultant. That made things super easy! The rules are: every hostess is the victim lucky one to get their makeup done. Someone else from their table must be blindfolded and apply the makeup on the hostess. The hostess can’t help, but can give verbal directions. This can get messy, especially with the little ones! But it is pretty fun.

Meet Miss Manners - Every year we get a visit from Miss Manners. This year, Miss Manners taught us how to curtsy. Every girl needs to know how . Miss Manners also explained the proper way to enjoy a meal. While she narrated, I and another girl sat on display at a table in the front of the room. While she spoke we both ate and drank, however, I was the horribly rude and slovenly example, and Janelle was the ladylike and dainty example. This was actually really fun because we just improvised as we went along. I slurped, ended up choking on my juice, and even resorted to dunking my chocolate chip cookie bar into my apple juice (not very tasty). It did give us some good laughs though.

The theme song of this past year.

These feelings would attack me in waves, sometimes giving me a reprieve of a few weeks before overtaking me again. I wondered: will this be my lot in life? To always be desperate to reach that goal just beyond my fingertips? Will infertility always steal my joy? I know to many in this same situation, it does just that. However, am I going to be satisfied with living my life in that way? The answer is… no.

At several points in our struggle with infertility I have questioned my faith, my purpose, and my identity. For someone who has always known she was supposed to be a mother, accepting that the role would not come through pregnancy was and is a hard thing. It is something I must commit to the Lord daily. I have always longed to be pregnant, but if God would deem otherwise, will I be content with His plan? I do not want to always be yearning for something that is obviously not God’s will for me (at least not now), but it is a hard thing to let go. To really let go and not pick it up again.

The other day a friend messaged me about the issues she is also facing with infertility. It is so hard to know who is and is not struggling with this that sometimes you just feel so alone. You want to share with someone who knows where you are coming from. Who has been down the road as well and can understand your feelings of helplessness and frustration. As I read her message in the movie theater, with people happily piling out the doors, I was overcome with emotion. I thought to myself, “this is it. This makes it all worth it. All the pain and sadness will finally bring good in someone else’s life. God can bring joy out of my situation.”

This morning, as I was praying for this same friend, an overwhelming feeling of gratitude came over me. I began to sob and thank God. I thanked Him for this trial. I thanked him for allowing me to go through it even when I begged him to make it end. I realized that God will turn my sorrow into joy, all I need to do is be willing to let Him use it to help heal others.

I don’t know how many other people I may know who secretly suffer with no one to turn to, but if I can help even one person walk this path with more assurance than I ever did, it will be worth it.

And isn’t that what God’s joy is all about? In my Kid’s Church we taught a lesson on JOY. Joy can only come about when you place Jesus first, Others second, and You last. As I give my situation to God He will bring people in my path who need support. As I focus on the needs of others, His joy fills me with a wonderful sense of awe and gratitude. In a way, I feel like the woman Hannah, from the Book of 1 Samuel; she gave to God her troubles and he not only blessed her with her heart’s desire, but her story is an encouragement to any woman living with infertility. Though I am not pregnant (yet), I know that God can use me to encourage others just as He used Hannah… and I am finally ready.

I have to say, they love coming over. Maybe it’s just the novelty of it, maybe it’s because I stuff them with candy and junk food (shhh, don’t tell their mothers!), but I like to think it’s because they love me and think of me as an awesome Auntie! I hope it stays that way as they get older.

Anyway, today my niece Sadie came over to spend the night in celebration of her 4th birthday. She is just a ball of energy! Isn’t it funny how some kids you can just tell are going to be athletic? She is totally one of them. She has no fear, she can climb anything, jump off anything, and run faster than me (yeah, I’m pretty slow… or we can just say she’s REALLY fast).

We had a very busy day today. First we had to go help out at a bake sale fundraiser for my church’s VBS program this summer. With all the warm days in March, you would have thought today would have been a little less frigid. Oh well, the kids were troopers and sold like pros!

Later, my sister Liz (see her blog here) and her daughter Alannah met up with us to grab dinner and then chill out at McD’s playplace. Let me just tell you, sugar is a drug and I have seen the proof. We got ice cream, Sadie ate all of hers, and was off the wall.

I guess that’s what Aunties are for, sugaring kids up and letting them run wild! When we got home the craziness continued. Little Alannah (who will be 3 next week) is enthralled with her older cousin and wants to do everything and I mean EVERYTHING her Sadie does. So what is an Auntie to do when her favorite little girls are bouncing off the walls? Build a blanket fort, convince them they are doggies, and order those puppies to go to the “doghouse”. They loved it.

After all the excitement (and sugar) I was shocked when both Alannah and Sadie stated it was bedtime. How easy is that? I think I have the touch… or am touched, only time will tell!

*Disclaimer: no children were harmed in the writing of this post. Sugar related events may have been offset with veggies and other nutritional items. I mean come on, I’m not totally irresponsible!

Lindt Truffle cupcakes are so easy and SO delicious! You bake your cupcakes and as soon as they are done, pop a Lindt Truffle into each one. We found it would have been better if we had cut a hole into the cupcake (like a cap) and then replaced the cap on top. We didn’t do that and it would have been better to have a layer of cake between the candy and the frosting.

Wait until the cupcakes are cooled before frosting them. We used different flavored truffles and then decorated them with candy (as though they weren’t sweet enough).

We were super excited!

Here’s a cross-section of the cupcake. Yes, it was as delicious as it looks.

I would say our Girl’s Night was a great success!

Here was my project this weekend (actually, I started it several weeks ago and this weekend took the time to finish it).

I chucked the hardware and then sanded down everything.

Then I took a spray primer and put a couple good coats on it. A couple tips for spray painting: don’t do it inside, even if in your basement. The fumes WILL permeate the rest of the house. Also, if doing it outside, be careful if there is a breeze because it will carry the paint away before it touches the table.

I really liked how the table looked with just the primer, but it still needed paint so I put a couple coats of white over it. Once everything was dried, I took my handy-dandy Mouse sander and went over the edges so that the bare wood would show through as though distressed. Now, you could paint a different colored base coat and then take a wax candle and rub it over the areas you want it to show through. After, put on your top coat and then sand it where the wax was. For me, I was lazy, impatient, and didn’t read how to do it that way until after. Here is my finished product:

I think it’s lovely, if I do say so myself. Now, to do it right you should coat it with a protective finish. Then enjoy your “new” piece of furniture!

We have wonderful changes on the horizon! Though we have had a rough few years dealing with infertility issues, we know this season will be ending soon. While we do want to get pregnant (I want to experience what it would be like at least once) I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt. Over a year and a half ago we started taking foster care classes. We had hoped to be licensed by February of 2011 but the renovations to our upstairs were underway and kept them from approving us as a safe home. We were told as soon as the upstairs is finished we can call them and pick up the process where we left off. We thought it would be a quick fix but found there were a lot more issues up there than we thought. After replacing electrical wiring, insulation, sheetrock and the roof, it had already been quite some time. Fast forward to today and we have only the baseboards, doors, and stairway banister to finish! I will put up before and after pictures when it is all complete, but I am extremely excited that come tomorrow evening we may be ready to start moving things upstairs!

Back when we thought we would be foster parents right away, we found a crib set on craigslist and my sister threw us a shower for everything we would need. It has been sitting in my basement, waiting. I have everything except a baby now, but I am expecting that to change soon! By the end of this month we should have the process with DCF up and running again. After that who knows how quickly we will get a call that our child is on the way!

One thing that has come of this whole long, frustrating process is that Jeremy and I have changed our mind about what kind of foster care we want to do. At first we weren’t sure we were ready to commit to adopting and just wanted to be foster parents. But now that we are more sure we are not able to have children of our own we have decided we will become licensed pre-adoptive foster parents from the get-go. This means the children we get will be at the last stage in their court process and more likely to be adoptable. We are going to start with an age-range of infant to toddler, but in the future, once we have gotten a handle on how the whole process works we may consider older ages. I know the older a kid gets the harder it is to find them a home and that breaks my heart. For us, since we have never been parents before, we want to start as young as possible, and hopefully learn to be great parents so we can take in more kids.

It brings tears to my eyes when I think that my son or daughter may already be out there. I pray that God keeps him or her safe and healthy. I pray that He protects his or her mind, body and emotions. I pray that when our child comes to us, we will bond quickly and that our child will NEVER doubt our love. I pray God gives us wisdom in raising our children and in encouraging an unwavering sense of self-worth so they will never doubt who they are and that they are valuable. Most of all I pray that our child will grow up experiencing the love of our perfect Heavenly Father and know He has a plan for each and every life, in spite of whatever obstacles we may go through. Amen.

So, that is our big news! I will of course be updating more once we have more info. In the meantime, I will close out this post with a final image, just because I know my husband will appreciate it